GRE 评改文章及写作策略.docx
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GRE 评改文章及写作策略.docx
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GRE评改文章及写作策略
包凡一GRE写作讲义
GRE评改文章及写作策略
CurrentProblems
1.noexamplesorevidencetosupportstatements
2.failuretodemonstratetheunderstandingofthecomplexity
a.implicationsofastatement(legallybansmoking),b.qualificationofastatement(narrowdownageneralandvaguestatement),c.andacknowledgethemeritsinanopposingview
3.threebodyparagraphsinsteadoftwo(prepareexamplesinadvance)
4.toapplytheTOEFLtacticstoGRE
5.simplerepitioninthefinalparagraph
6.poorworkingvocabulary
Solutions
writeexamples
writebeginningparagraphsandandanoutlineforthebodypart
sendittomeatmyemailaddress
increaseworkingvocabulary
ReserchPaperasanexample
FirstChapter
1.hypothesisandnull-hypothesis
2.literaturereview
3.methodologydiscussion
4.conclusion
SecondChapter
Thecontentofthesurvey
Theoperationorthecalculation
ConcludingChapter
Firstparagraphstateswhatthischapterisabout.
Thelastparagraphstateswhathasbeentalkedabout.
PSasexamples
Band4and6asexamples
缺乏例证
NonmainstreamareasandHumanNeeds
Rules:
Presentyourperspectiveontheissuebelow,usingrelevantreasonsand/orexamplestosupportyourviews.
Topic:
"Suchnonmainstreamareasofinquiryasastrology,fortune-telling,andpsychicandparanormalpursuitsplayavitalroleinsocietybysatisfyinghumanneedsthatarenotaddressedbymainstreamscience."
原稿:
Itistruethatincontemporarysocietythenonmainstreamareasofinquiry,suchasastrology,fortune-tellingandthelike,satisfyhumanneedsmorethanthemainstreamscience.Butwhatweshouldbearinmindisthat,alwaysitisthemainstreamsciencethatpointoutthewaytoovercomevariousobstacles,andlightuppeople'shopeintruemeaning.
语言错误:
1.“Itistrue”是多余的。
第一句话中的”more”出了很大的问题,曲解了原意,把nonmainstream的作用说的比mainstreamenquiry还要重要。
原来说的是“playavitalrole”,并不是“pivotal”role.
书面英语中应避免使用“Andthelike”。
“燃起希望”:
sparkhope,kindlehope
“lightup”的意思是给人带来兴奋和快乐,如:
TheshiningreportcardslitFather’sfaceup./Thefunnycaroonpicturelitupthechildren'seyes.
改后稿:
Incontemporarysocietynonmainstreamareasofinquirysuchasastrologyandfortune-tellingsatisfyhumanneedsmorethanmainstreamscience.Butweshouldbearinmindthatmainstreamsciencealwayspointsthewaytoovercomeobstaclesandsparkspeople’shopeinfindingtruth.
第1段写作要求
1.putforthaclearperspective
2.demonstratetheunderstandingofthecomplexitiesorimplicationsoftheissue.
3.preparereadersforthemainideasofthefollowingparagraphs
改后稿2.Indeed,astrology,fortune-tellingandpsychicreadingscansometimesprovidecomfortwhenwearefeelingsad,colorourliveswhenwearebored,andsparkhopewhenwearedepressed.Butthesepursuitsareultimatelybasedonfalsehoodandtheirbenefitsareshort-livedandillusionary.Sicenceremainsthemostreliablemeansthroughwhichweunderstandourselves,derivewisdom,confidenceandhope.
原稿:
Althoughcallednonmainstreamareas,weshouldnotignorethattosomeextent,theseareassuchasastrologyplayanactiveroleinsociety.Wecanseethatinvariousfestivals,nomatterChinese(suchasSpringFestival)orWestern(suchasValentine'sDay),peoplearewillingtoresorttoastrology,mostlyhopingtomeetgoodluck.Thiskindofactivitiyalwaysmeetstheirneeds,becausetheanquivolentnatureofastrologydestinesitwillnotdampenpeople'senthusiasmandhope.Withthesenonmainstreamareaspeople'slifebecomesmorecolorful.
点评:
第一句话语法错误,主语应该是”theseareas”,但是现在看上去变成了“We”.
“Nomatter”应改为“whether”。
“meetgoodluck”不是好的英语表达。
“Thiskind”后面应该是复数。
“destine”一词表示“一定”,通常是用形容词:
HewasdestinedforanimportantcareerintheChurchofEngland./Byfamilytraditionhewasdestinedforacareerasaregulararmyofficer.
Mandela’sstatementfromprisondestinedtosmolderinthehomesandservantquarters.
改后稿:
Althoughtheyarecallednonmainstream,weshouldadmitthattosomeextent,beliefssuchasastrologyplayanactiveroleinsociety.Wecanseethatinvariousholidays,whetherChineseorWestern,peoplearewillingtoresorttononmainstreamideas.Thesekindsofactivitiesmeetourneedsbecausetheyencourageenthusiasmandhopeandmakepeople’slivesmorecolorful.
评语:
本文中的例子不足以支持论点,情人节不是什么占星术,人们也不会寄希其带来好运。
中国的春节习俗在中国是非常主流的文化内容,不能算是非主流的。
国外源于宗教的节日都不能归类于非主流。
作者说了非主流的信仰能够丰富人们的生活,我们一定要用具体的实例来说明这些信仰如何丰富了人们的生活。
其实,在这段中可以说明一下非科学的信仰解决了人们的什么方面的需求,在接下来的段落中对比说明科学又能给人们带来什么不同的好处。
改后稿2:
Althoughtheyarecallednonmainstream,weshouldadmitthattosomeextent,beliefssuchasastrologyplayanactiveroleinsociety.Aglanceattheastrologycolumnindifferentnewspapersandmagazinesrevealsdo’sanddon’tsthatcontainmoreencouragementthanwarning...Frequentlytherearephraseslike:
“Aquariusshouldceasefeelingdepressedorexertingpressuresonyourself”,or“ChancesaregoodthatLeowillgetapromotionthisweek,sokeepmovingonandshowyourtalenttoyourboss”,or“ThingsmaygoastrayforVirgothisweek,yetjustwaittoseethesilverliningnextweek.”Thesenonmainstreamcontributionsmeetaneedbecausetheyfosterenthusiasmandhopeandaddcolortoourlives.
改后稿3:
Althoughtheyarecallednonmainstream,weshouldadmitthattosomeextent,beliefssuchasastrologyplaysomeroleinsociety.Grievingfamilymembersseekingtocontacttheirlostrelativesfindcomfortinbelievingthatmediumscancontactthedead.Somepeoplewhoareworriedabouttheirjobsorfacingdifficultdecisionsfeelmoreassuredaboutthefuturewhentheyconsultapalm-readerorfortune-teller.Thosewholackpowerorfeelthattheearthisalonelyplaceinthevastuniversemayfindamoreacceptableperspectiveinbelievingthatotherbenevolentbeingsexist.Witchcraft,astrology,andpsychicphenomenoncanbefoundinmostculturesasman’sattempttoexplaintheuniverse,ortogainpoweroveraworldinwhichhumansareotherwisehelpless.
改后稿4:
Mostpeopledonotordertheirlivesaccordingtotheparanormal,manywouldbewillingtoconsiderthemasexplanationswhensciencefailsorapossibilityinthebackgroundofwhatisreal.Ahusbandwhohaslosthiswifemighthaveveryvividdreamsinwhichhetalkstoher.Psychologymaysaythatthisresultedfromhisownsubconsciouswishes,butthehusbandmayfindhimselfbelievingthathiswifehasspokenfromthedead.Afatherwhosechildhasbeenkidnappedmightconsultapsychicforvisionsofwherethechildhasbeentakenifthepoliceinvestigationshavefailed.Itseemsthatpeoplecantrustinscience,butarewillingtoconsiderotherpossibilitieswhenscientificexplanationsfailthem.
原稿:
Thenonmainstreamareascandoharmtothesociety,onlywhenpeopledon'tinquirethemmerelyforfun,butforresolutionoflifeinstead.Itisignorancebecausenooneintheworldcouldpointoutwayforothers,neitherdoestheGod.Onlythosepeoplewithconfidencehavetheposibilitytosuccessfullysolveproblems.
评点:
“Doharmto”改为“harm”,因为更直接。
英语里有“doesmoreharmthangood”,“didlittleharm”这样的表达法,但是“对。
。
。
有害”应该直接用“harm”,或者beharmfulto,detrimentalto.
“theGod”改为“God”或是“theGods”。
“resolution”是“决心”的意思:
NewYearresolution.或者是“决议”的意思,如:
aresolutionofthedispute.“解决问题”中的“解决”要用“solve”或者“solution”。
与前面的毛病一样,这段中只阐明了观点,但是没有提出任何地例证来支持他的观点。
只说论点,不讲证据是中国学生的普遍问题。
另外,在英语国家里,上帝是主流的而不是“非主流的”。
在内容上又有点偏题。
文篇的题目是主流与非主流,可以定义为科学与迷信,但是宗教并不是迷信。
宗教在西方社会是居于主流地位的。
这一段的措辞有点像是讨论科学与宗教的关系。
改后稿:
Nonmainstreamareascanharmsocietywhenpeoplelooktothemforgenuinesolutionstorealproblems,notjustforfun.Thisisdonefromignorance,sincenobody,notevenGod,canprovideanyanswers.Onlypeoplewithconfidencecansuccessfullysolvetheirproblems.
改后稿2:
Nonmainstreamareascanbeharmfulwhenpeoplelooktothemforgenuinesolutionstorealproblems,notjustforfun.Apersonwhobecomesillshouldseekhelpfromahealthcareprofessionalbutshouldnotresorttoconsultingafortune-teller.Astrologersmaybelievethattherotationofplanetsaccountsforinfluenza,yetaspirinisdefinitelymoreeffectiveintreatingitssymptoms.Asforindividuals,onlypeoplewithconfidenceandproblem-solvingskillscansurmountdifficulties.Ifyoutreatanimportantinterviewlightlyjustbecausetheastrologycolumnsaysthatyouhavewillfabulousluckinjob-hunting,youmayruinagreatopportunity.
原稿:
Andthemainstreamscienceplaystheveryvitalroletoprovidepeoplewithreasonablemethods.Thesesciencearebasedonpracticalexperiments,carefullyanalizeandreasoning.Theymaynotseemasgoodasthosenonmainstreamareasinsatisfyinghumanneeds,butundertheirartlessfacetheygivepeoplerealhelp.
改后稿:
Ontheotherhand,scienceplaystheveryvitalroleofprovidingpeoplewithreasonedmethodstoconductlife.Scienceisbasedonpracticalexperiments,carefulanalysis,andreasoning.
Theymaynotseemasmiraculousasnonmainstreamareasinsatisfyinghumanneeds,butundertheirartlessfacetheygivepeoplerealhelp.
改后稿2:
Ontheotherhand,thehistoryofmankindhasamplydemonstratedthat,sciencebasedonexperimentsandanalysis,providepeoplewithreasonedmethodstoconductlife.Psychologyexplaineshumanbehavior.Sociologyenlightenspeopleontheirrelationshipwiththeirsurroundingenvironment.Modernmedicinehasadvancedsomuchthatitisnowpossibletopredictcancerevenbeforeachildisborn.
评语:
本段的结构很好,但跟前面所有的段落一样,缺乏真正能够支持论点的的实例。
原稿:
Generallyspeaking,thesocallednonmainstreamareascolorourlifetoagreatextent,butweshouldbelieveinthemainstreamsciencewhenwewanttoresolveproblems.
改后稿:
Mainstreamareascolorourlivestoagreatextent,butweshouldputourtrustinmainstreamsciencewhenwewanttosolverealproblems.
评语:
用法错误:
“So-cal
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