SOUTH PARK1108.docx
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SOUTH PARK1108.docx
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SOUTHPARK1108
SOUTHPARK
11X08-LEPETITTOURETTE
OriginalAirdate(COM):
03-OCT-2007
"SOUTHPARK"andotherrelatedentitiesareowned,(TM)and?
byTREYPARKER&MATTSTONEviaCOMEDYCENTRALandCOMEDYPARTNERSinassociationwithIMPORTANTTELEVISION.Thistranscriptispostedherewithouttheirpermission,approval,authorizationorendorsement.Anyreproduction,duplication,distributionordisplayofthismaterialinanyformorbyanymeansisexpresslyprohibited.Itisabsolutelyforbiddentouseitforcommercialgain.Forentertainmentandeducationalpurposesonly.Noinfringementintended.
==========================
SUMMARY:
==========================
CartmandiscoversthejoysofhavingTourette抯syndrome.Drunkwiththepowerofsayingwhateverhewantswithoutgettingintroubleforit,helinesupNationalTVCoveragetotakeadvantageofhisnewlifewithnofilters.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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[ToySafari,day.Shopperswalkby,enter,leave,browse...]
[ToySafari,inside,inAisle3:
ActionFigures.Cartmanbrowsesonesetofshelves.Anotherboyisshownbehindhim,browsingthefacingshelves.]
Cartman:
[picksoutafigure]BigRingSlammer.Comeswithposableneck-smashgrip.[movesthepackagearoundwithhislefthandandstrokeshischinwithhisright]That'sprettykewl.Let'ssee...
Boy:
Cock!
[Cartmanisstartled.]
Cartman:
[putstheSlammerbackontherackandselectsanotherfigure.]TheBlackJackal.KarateKickPanelForceandbendableneck-
Boy:
Cock!
Asshole!
Asshole,shit,shitcock!
[hisneckandfacegettautasheblurtsthisout]
Clerk:
[nearby]Ma'am,isthatyoursonoverthere?
Mom:
Yes,I'msorry.MysonhasTourette'sSyndrome.
Clerk:
Tourette'sSyndrome?
Mom:
It'saneurologicaldisorder.He-hecan'tcontrolwhathesays.
Clerk:
Oh...
Boy:
[turnshisheadhardtotheleft,hiseyesshut]Shiit!
[turnshisheadbacktofaceforward]Dumbshiiit!
Mom:
[goestotakehersonhome]A-alrightThomas,maybeweshouldgo?
Thomas:
AllrightMom-Bitch!
Assbitch!
Mom:
Here,let'sbuyyouanicetoytotakehome.[selectsafigureandhandsittoThomas,whowalksawaywithher,smiling.Cartmanwatchesastheyleave]
Cartman:
[turnsaroundandwalksoff,sayingsoftly]Dude,thatmomiskewl.[hearrivesatthecheckoutlinewithhisactionfigure]
Thomas:
[standsinlinebehindCartman]Cockbutt!
Augh...Stupidshit!
Cartman:
[turnsaroundandglaresatThomas]Areyoutalkin'tome?
!
Thomas:
NO.Cocknose!
Cartman:
What'syourproblem,kid?
!
Mom:
Oh,a-I'msorry.[Thomasbacksawayabit]My...sonThomashasTourette'sSyndrome.[acrowdbeginstogatheraroundthem]
Cartman:
What?
Thomas:
Mom,let'sjustgo.Shhhit!
Mom:
PeoplewithTourette'scan'tcontrolcertaintics.It'sit'slikeasneeze.
Thomas:
AssholeASSHOLE.
Cartman:
[waveshisarmsaround]Waitwaitwaitwhoawhoawhoa.You'retellingmethere'sanillnessthatmakesyoublurtoutobscenities?
Thomas:
Mom,canwejustgohome,please?
Mom:
It'sokay,Thomas.Theyunderstand.
Thomas:
Iwanttuhgo!
[throwsdownhisactionfigureandwalksoff,hishandsoverhismouth]Shitfag!
Man1:
Poorkid.
Clerk:
Yeah.
Cartman:
[turnsaroundandfacesthecrowd]Allright,holdonjustasecondhere:
AreyoutellingmethatifyouhavethisTourette'sSyndromeyoucansaywhateveryouwant,allthetime,andnevergetintrouble?
Clerk:
It'saneurologicaldisorder;hecan'thelpit.
Man1:
Yeah!
[Cartmanblinks-CHING!
Hebeginstothink:
"I'vegotagoldenticket...I'vegotagolden"]
Cartman:
Twinkleinmyeye.[turnsandheadsfortheentrance]haha.HahaHAAhahahaha.[throwshisactionfigureintotheairandrunsoutthedoor]
Clerk:
Heydon'tyouwannabuythattoy?
Cartman:
Idon'tneedthetoy!
I'vefoundsomethingbetter!
[dancesaway]'CauseI'vegotagoldenticket!
I'vegotagoldenchangetomakemyway!
[ColoradoNeurologyCenter,somedayslater.AdoctorchecksCartmanoutasLianewatches]
Liane:
Itstartedaboutfourdaysago,Doctor,andeverydayheseemstogetworse.
Cartman:
Puh-pussy!
Liane:
Oh...
Cartman:
Pussy!
Cock!
Shit!
[covershismouthinfakingembarassment]
Liane:
Ohdear...IwascheckingouttheInternetandih,italmostseemslikehissymptomsarelikethoseinsomethingcalled"Tour,Tourette'sSyndrome"?
Cartman:
Tourette'sSyndrome?
Whatisthat,Mommy.Butthole!
Titties!
Balls!
[covershismouthimmediately]
Doctor:
Thatdoesn'tseemlikely.Tourette'sisahereditarydisease;itdoesn'tjustsuddenlystart.
Cartman:
...Cocksucker!
Doctor:
[beginstothinkandwalksoffabit]...Ontheotherhand,Tourette'sdoesoftendeveloplaterinachild'slife,gettingprogressivelyworse.
Cartman:
Ohwuh,wellthat'sit!
Shithead!
Asshole!
Mexicanstickyballs!
Liane:
OhDoctor,canyouhelphim?
Doctor:
[turnsaroundandwalksbacktothem]Wedon'tknowverymuchaboutTourette'sI'mafraid.Butwewillgiveyoursonallthehelpwecan.
Cartman:
Butwhataboutschool,Doctor?
Theteachersandtheprincipal,theywon'tunderstandthatIcan'tcontrolwhatIsay.
Doctor:
Don'tworry,youngman.We'llmakesureeveryoneunderstandsyourdiseaseandgivesyouthecompassionyoudeserve.
Cartman:
Ohohh,that'sawesome.Thankyou.Faggot!
[giveshimamischievouslook]
[SouthParkElementary,day.Cartmanwalksintoviewasthekidsareattheirlockers]
Cartman:
Shit!
Butthole!
[walksuptoWendy]HeyWendy.DUMBBITCH!
Uh,sorry.[smilesandmoveson]Titties!
Cock!
[he'srelishingthis.Hepointstoaredhead]Gingerretard!
Asslickerdickface!
Kyle:
Dude,you'dbetterwatchit.Theprincipal'srightoverthere.[shewalksuptothem]
Cartman:
Uh,Goodmorning,PrincipalVictoria.Shitballs!
PrincipalVictoria:
Goodmorning,Eric.[turnsrightandwalksaway.Cartmanwalksoffintheoppositedirection]
Kyle:
DidCartmanjustsay"shitballs"totheprincipal?
Butters:
Huhyoudidn'thear?
WellCartmanhassome,mentaldiseasecalledTourette'sSyndromeorsomethin'.
Kyle:
What?
Craig:
[inadmiration]He'stheluckiestkidintheworld.IfIcouldsay"shitballs"totheprincipalI'dbesooohappy.
Cartman:
[decidingtoexplainthings.Mr.Mackeyisinthebackground]Uhexcuseme,excusemeeveryoneI,Iguessyoumighthavenoticedmyawkwardtics.Asshole!
Pussyasshole!
[theotherkidsleanaway]Ach,augh,IjustwantyoutoknowthatIcan'tcontrolit.
PrincipalVictoria:
It'sokay,Eric.Weallunderstandandwethinkyou'reverybrave.
Kyle:
[aftersomethought,pointsandsays]He'sfaking.
Cartman:
[histhunderisstolenandhecoversforit]Ahahahaha,ayah-Excusemeeveryone,IneedtohaveamomentalonenwithmygoodfriendKyle?
[walkstoKyle]Asscheeks!
[haulsKyleofftoaclearing]Kyle,apparentlyyoumissedtheschoolassemblyyesterday,butI'vebeendiagnosedwithaveryseriousmentalcondition.
Kyle:
YoudonothaveTourette'sSyndrome,fatass!
Cartman:
...Oh,okay,youfiguredmeout.[claps]Bravo,Kyle,bravo.Don'tyouseehowawesomethisis?
It'slike,amagiccloakthatmakesmeimpervioustogettingintrouble.
Kyle:
Whocaresaboutsayingwhateveryou-?
Cartman:
Ofcourse,ifyouwanttobeSergeantBuzzkillonceagain,andspoilmyfunbecauseyou'rejealousyoudidn'tthinkofitfirst,wellgorightahead,Kyle.
Kyle:
Grrhh,whatever.[walksoffinahuff.Mr.Mackeywalksby]
Cartman:
Goodmorning,Mr.Mackey.Asspussy!
[Mr.Mackeydoesnothingbutwalkaway]
Craig:
IfIcouldsay"asspussy"tothecounselorIwouldbesooohappy.
[Mrs.Garrison'sclass,later.Mrs.Garrisonwritesamathproblemontheboard:
(-7)X(-2)]
Mrs.Garrison:
Okay,sowhatdowegetwhenwemultiplyanegativenumber-?
Cartman:
Dicktits!
Mrs.Garrison:
[glancesbackatCartman,thenfinisheswriting]-whenwemultiplyanegativenumberbyanothernegative-?
Cartman:
Shit!
Asshole!
[Mrs.GarrisonlooksatCartmanwithabitofshock,thenturnstotheboard.]'Scuseme.[Cartmansmiles]
Mrs.Garrison:
Ihifweapplywhatwe'vejustlearned,weseethatallnegativescan-
Cartman:
Spoogeballsbloodyvaginalbelch.[theclasslaughs.Cartmanmakessweet,asifhurt]Youguys,don'tlaugh.Itmakesmefeelinsecureaboutmyillness.
Mrs.Garrison:
[facingtheclass]Allrightkids,let'sjusttrytofocusonlearning,okay?
[turnstotheboard]Nowallyouneedtorememberhereisthatnegativenumbers
Cartman:
Tampon!
TamponDICKshit!
Kyle:
Willyouknockitoffalready?
!
Cartman:
Kyle,don'tyouthinkIwishIcould?
I'dgiveanythingtobenormallikeyou.KIKE.
Kyle:
Don'tpushme,asshole!
Mrs.Garrison:
Kyle,watchyourlanguage!
[Cartmanletsoutaheartylaugh]
Craig:
[gettingmiserable]IfIcouldyell"tampondickshit"intheclassroomI'dbesooohappy.
[Theprincipal'soffice,later.Mrs.Garrisonisinsidetalkingwithher.]
Mrs.Garrison:
PrincipalVictoria,it'sjustthatErichasbecomesuchadistractionI,Idon'tthinkIcanteachmyclassanymore.
PrincipalVictoria:
Iunderstandit'sbeendifficult,Mrs.Garrison,andso,Mr.DonaldsonhascomefromtheTourette'sToleranceandUnderstandingFoundation.[Mr.Donaldsonwalksintoview]
Mr.Donaldson:
HelloMrs.Garrison-[turnshisheadtotheleft]Ass.ASS.[recovers]Iwanttohelpyourclassbetterunderstandthisillness.[turnshisheadtotheleft]Piss!
Kyle:
[walksintotheoffice,withCartmanfollowing]No!
Upyours,fatboy!
Cartman:
Kyleplease!
I'msorry!
Kyle:
PrincipalVictoria,there'ssomethingyouneedtoknow!
Cartman'sTourette'sisn'treal!
He'sfakin
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