115 The One With the Stoned Guy.docx
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115 The One With the Stoned Guy.docx
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115TheOneWiththeStonedGuy
115TheOneWiththeStonedGuy
[Scene:
CentralPerk,RachelisservingJoey,Ross,andMonicatheirdrinks.]
Rachel:
(toJoey)Coffee.(Handsittohim.)
Joey:
Thankyou.
Rachel:
(toRoss)Cappuccino.(Handsittohim.)
Ross:
Grazie.
Rachel:
AndanicehotciderforMonica.(Handsittoher.)
Monica:
Aww,thankyou.(Noticessomething.)UhRach?
Rachel:
Yeah?
Monica:
Whydoesmycinamonstickhaveaneraser?
Rachel:
Oh!
That'swhy.(Rachelchecksbehindherear,andfindsacinamonstick.)I'msorry!
(ShetakesthepenciloutofMonica'scoffeeandMonicaputshercupdownindisgust.)
OpeningCredits
[Scene:
Chandler'sjob,Chandleristypingdataintohiscomputer,hekeepstypingevenwhiletakingadrinkofcoffeewith
onehand.Oneofhisco-workerswalksby.]
Woman:
Chandler.
Chandler:
Mrs.Tedlock.You'relookinglovelytoday.AndmayIsay,thatisaveryflatteringsleevelengthonyou.
Mrs.Tedlock:
Yes.Well,Mr.Kostelickwantsyoutostopbyhisofficeattheendoftheday.
Chandler:
Oh,listen.Ifthisisaboutthoseprankmemos,Ihadnothingtodowiththem.Really.Nothingatall.Really.
(Chandlertriestohidearubberchickenfromthewoman.)Nothing.
[Scene:
CentralPerk,everyoneistherebutChandler.Phoeberunsin,excitedly.]
Phoebe:
Heyyouguys!
Chandler'scomingandhesayshehas,like,thisincrediblenews,sowhenhegetshere,wecouldall
actlike,youknow...
(Chandlercomesin.)
Chandler:
Hey!
All:
Hey!
Phoebe:
Nevermind.Butitwasgoingtobereallygood.
Ross:
What'sgoingon?
All:
Whatisit?
Chandler:
So,it'satypicaldayatwork.I'minputtingmynumbers,andbigAlcallsmeintohisofficeandtellsmehewants
tomakemeprocessingsupervisor.
All:
That'sgreat!
Chandler:
So....Iquit.
All:
Why?
Chandler:
Why?
Thiswassupposedtobeatempjob!
Monica:
Yeah,Chandler...you'vebeenthereforfiveyears.
Chandler:
IfItookthispromotion,it'dbelikeadmittingthatthisiswhatIactuallydo.
Phoebe:
Sowasitalotmoremoney?
Chandler:
Itdoesn'tmatter.Ijustdon'twanttobeoneofthoseguysthat'sinhisofficeuntiltwelveo'clockatnight
worryingabouttheWENUS.
(Everyonelooksathim,confused.)
Rachel:
...theWENUS?
Chandler:
WeeklyEstimatedNetUsageSystems.Aprocessingterm.
Rachel:
(sarcastic)Oh.ThatWENUS.
Joey:
Sowhat'reyougoingtodo?
Chandler:
Idon'tknow.That'sthething.Idon'tknowwhatIwanttodo.IjustknowI'mnotgoingtofigureitoutworking
there.
Phoebe:
Oooh!
Ihavesomethingyoucando!
Ihavethisnewmassageclient...Steve?
(pause)Anyway,he'sopeningupa
restaurantandhe'slookingforaheadchef.
Monica:
(tapsPhoebeonhershoulder)Um...hithere.
Phoebe:
Hi!
(turnsbacktoChandler,thentoMonica)Oh,yeah,no,Iknow.You'reachef.Iknow,andIthoughtofyoufirst,
butum,Chandler'stheonewhoneedsajobrightnow,so....
Chandler:
Yeah...Ijustdon'thavethatmuchcheffingexperience.Unlessit'sanall-toastrestaurant.
Phoebe:
(toMonica'stapping)Yeah,yeah!
Monica:
Well,whatkindoffoodishelookingfor?
Phoebe:
Well,hewantstodosomeecclectic,sohe'slookingforsomeonewhocan,youknow,createtheentiremenu.
Monica:
(excited)OhmyGod!
Phoebe:
Yeah,Iknow!
(turnstoChandler)So,whatdoyouthink?
Chandler:
Thanks,Phoebe.ButIjustdon'treallyseemyselfinabigwhitehat.
Phoebe:
OK.(pause)OhMonica!
Guesswhat!
[Scene:
MonicaandRachel's,Chandlerwalksin,wearingasuit.]
Chandler:
Canyouseemynipplesthroughthisshirt?
Rachel:
No.Butdon'tworry,I'msurethey'restillthere.
Phoebe:
Whereareyougoing,Mr.Suity-Man?
Chandler:
Well,IhaveanappointmenttoseeDr.RobertPillman,careercounselora-gogo.(pause)Iaddedthe"a-gogo."
Rachel:
Careercounselor?
Chandler:
Hey,youguysallknowwhatyouwanttodo.
Rachel:
Idon't!
Chandler:
Hey,youguysinthelivingroomallknowwhatyouwanttodo.Youknow,youhavegoals.Youhavedreams.Idon't
haveadream.
Ross:
Ah,thelesser-known"Idon'thaveadream"speech.
(Monicaenters,excited.)
Monica:
Oh,Ilovemylife,Ilovemylife!
Phoebe:
Ooh!
Brian'sSong!
Rachel:
Themeetingwiththeguywentgreat?
Monica:
Sogreat!
Heshowedmewheretherestaurant'sgoingtobe.It'sthis,it'sthiscutelittleplaceon10thStreet.Not
toobig,nottoosmall.Justright.
Chandler:
Wasitformerlyownedbyablondewomanandsomebears?
Monica:
Soanyway,I'mcookingdinnerforhimMondaynight.Youknow,kindoflikeanaudition.AndPhoebe,hereallywants
youtobehere,whichwillbegreatformebecausethenyoucan'ooh'and'ahh'andmakeyummynoises.
Rachel:
Whatareyougoingtomake?
Phoebe:
(asthoughRachelwasn'tpayingattention)Yummynoises.
Rachel:
(pause)AndMonica,whatareyougoingtomake?
Monica:
Idon'tknow.Idon'tknow.It'sjustgoingtobesogreat!
Phoebe:
Ooh!
Iknowwhatyoucouldmake!
(runsovertojoinMonicaandRachelinthekitchen)Iknow!
Oh,youshould
definitelymakethatthing...youknow,withthestuff?
(Monicadoesn'tknow.)Youknow,thatthing...withthestuff...?
OK,
Idon'tknow.(sitsdown)
Ross:
Heyguys,doesanybodyknowagooddateplaceintheneighborhood?
Joey:
HowaboutTony's?
Ifyoucanfinisha32-ouncesteak,it'sfree.
Ross:
OK,ahem,hey,doesanybodyknowagoodplaceifyou'renotdatingapuma?
Chandler:
Whoareyougoingoutwith?
Phoebe:
Oh,isthisthebuglady?
Rachel:
(tryingtosoundlikeabug)Bzzzz....Iloveyou,Ross.
Ross:
HernameisCelia.She'snotabuglady.She'scuratorofinsectsatthemuseum.
Rachel:
Sowhatareyouguysgoingtodo?
Ross:
Oh,Ijustthoughtwecouldgoouttodinner,andthenmaybebringherbacktomyplaceandI'dintroducehertomy
monkey.
Chandler:
Andhe'snotspeakingmetaphorically.
Joey:
(asidetoRoss)So....backtoyourplace...youthinking,maybe...(gestureswithhands,backandforth)huh-huh?
Ross:
Well,Idon'tknow....(gestures)huh-huh....butI'mhoping(gestures)huh-huh.
Joey:
I'mtellingyou,thatmonkeyisachickmagnet!
She'sgoingtotakeonelookathisfurry,cutelittlefaceandit'll
sealthedeal.
[Scene:
Ross'sapartment,MarcelishangingfromCelia'shair,andsheisscreaming,tryingtogethimoff.]
Ross:
Celia,don'tworry!
Don'tscream!
He'snotgoingtohurtyou!
Soothingtones,Celia.Soothingtones!
Marcel...
Celia:
Ican'tstandthis!
He'sgothisclawsinmy...
Ross:
Alright...(liftsMarcelaway)
[Scene:
MonicaandRachel's,everyoneistherebutRossandChandler.Monicaismakingfood,andhavingeveryonetryit.]
Monica:
(toJoey)OK,trythissalmonmousse.
Joey:
(tasting)Mmmm.Good.
Monica:
Isitbetterthantheothersalmonmousse?
Joey:
It'screamier.
Monica:
Yeah,well,isthatbetter?
Joey:
Idon'tknow.We'retalkingaboutwhippedfish,Monica.I'mjusthappyI'mkeepingitdown,y'know?
(Chandlerkicksthedoorclosed,angrily.Hisclothesareaskew,helooksbeat.)
Rachel:
MyGod!
Whathappenedtoyou?
Chandler:
Eightandahalfhoursofaptitudetests,intelligencetests,personalitytests...andwhatdoIlearn?
(hetaps
theresultsandreadsthem)"Youareideallysuitedforacareerindataprocessingforalargemultinationalcorporation."
Phoebe:
That'ssogreat!
'Causeyoualreadyknowhowtodothat!
Chandler:
Canyoubelieveit?
Imean,don'tIseemlikesomebodywhoshouldbedoingsomethingreallycool?
Youknow,Ijust
alwayspicturedmyselfdoingsomething...something.
Rachel:
(comesupandrubshimonthechest)OhChandler,Iknow,Iknow...oh,hey!
Youcanseeyournipplesthroughthis
shirt!
Monica:
(bringsaplateoftinyappetizersover)Hereyougo,maybethis'llcheeryouup.
Chandler:
Ooh,youknow,Ihadagrapeaboutfivehoursago,soI'dbettersplitthiswithyou.
Monica:
It'ssupposedtobethatsmall.It'sapre-appetizer.TheFrenchcallitanamouz-bouche.
Chandler:
(tastesit)Well....itisamouz-ing...
(Phonerings.Monicaanswersit.)
Monica:
(onphone)Hello?
(Listens)Oh,hiWendy!
(Listens)Yeah,eighto'clock.(Listens)Whatdidwesay?
Tendollarsan
hour?
...(Listens)OK,great.(Listens)Allright,I'llseeyouthen.Bye.(hangsup)
Phoebe:
Tendollarsanhourforwhat?
Monica:
Oh,Iaskedoneofthewaitressesatworkifshe'dhelpmeout.
Rachel:
(hurt)Waitressing?
Joey:
Uh-oh.
Monica:
Well...ofcourseIthoughtofyou!
But...but...
Rachel:
But,but?
Monica:
But,yousee,it'sjust...thisnighthastogojustperfect,youknow?
And,well,Wendy'smoreofa...professional
waitress.
Rachel:
Oh!
Isee.AndI'vesortofbeenmaintainingmyamateurstatussothatIcanwaitressintheOlympics.
Chandler:
Youknow,Idon'tmeantobrag,butIwaitedtablesatInnsbruckin'76.(deadsilence)Amouz-bouche?
(holdsout
tray)
[Scene:
Ross'apartment,Girl,You'llBeAWomanSoon(theoriginal,notthatcruddyUrgeOverkillversion)isplaying.Ross
andCeliaarekissingpassionately.]
Celia:
Talktome.
Ross:
OK....um,aweirdthinghappenedtomeonthetrainthismorning...
Celia:
Nonono.Talk...dirty.
Ross:
(embarrassed)Wha...what,here?
Celia:
Yes...
Ross:
Ah....
Celia:
Saysomething.....hot.
Ross:
(panicked)Er....um.....
Celia:
What?
Ross:
Um...uh....vulva.
CommercialBreak
[Scene:
ChandlerandJoey's,JoeyandRossarethere,discussingwhathappenedlastnight.]
Joey:
(indisbelief)Vulva?
Ross:
Alright,Ipanicked,alright?
Shetookmebysurprise.Youknow,butitwasn'tatotalloss.Imean,weendedup
cuddling.
Joey:
(sarcastic)Whoaa!
!
Youcuddled?
Howmanytimes?
?
Ross:
Shutup!
Itwasnice.Ijust...Idon'tthinkI'mthedirty-talkingkindofguy,youknow?
Joey:
What'sthebigdeal?
Youjustsaywhatyouwanttodotoher.Orwhatyouwanthertodotoy
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